An Insightful Interview with Adele Faber: Unveiling the Secrets of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen

Welcome to this exclusive interview session where we have the honor of speaking with Adele Faber, a renowned expert in the field of parenting and communication. As one of the pioneers in her field, Adele has dedicated her life to helping parents and caregivers build strong, healthy relationships with their children.

With over four decades of experience, Adele has written several groundbreaking books, co-authored with Elaine Mazlish, that have revolutionized the way we interact with our children. Her insightful techniques and practical advice have empowered countless families worldwide, enabling them to navigate the often complex world of parenting with grace and understanding.

Adele Faber’s work is rooted in the belief that respectful and empathetic communication is key to fostering a loving environment where children can thrive. Her methods emphasize the importance of active listening, recognizing and validating feelings, and finding constructive solutions to conflicts. By encouraging open dialogue and building trust within the family unit, she has helped generations of parents create lasting connections with their children.

Throughout her career, Adele Faber has conducted workshops and training sessions for parents, teachers, and professionals in various fields. Her impact extends beyond individual families, as she has inspired a global movement focused on nurturing positive, compassionate relationships between adults and children.

In this interview, we will delve into Adele Faber’s insights and experiences, exploring her thoughts on effective communication strategies, the challenges faced by parents today, and the importance of fostering emotional intelligence in children. We will also discuss her motivations, her journey as an author and speaker, and how her work continues to resonate with people around the world.

Join us as we embark on an enlightening conversation with the remarkable Adele Faber, unraveling the wisdom behind her transformative approach to parenting and communication.

Who is Adele Faber?

Adele Faber is a renowned author and parenting expert who has made a significant impact on enhancing communication and fostering healthy relationships within families. With her insightful books, she has provided valuable guidance and practical strategies for parents, educators, and caregivers worldwide.

One of Adele Faber’s most influential works is “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen“, co-authored with Elaine Mazlish. Published in 1980, this groundbreaking book revolutionized the way adults communicate with children. It offers a wealth of effective techniques for engaging children in constructive conversations while promoting their self-esteem and cooperation.

In addition to her collaboration with Mazlish, Adele Faber has authored several other notable publications. Siblings Without Rivalry,” another highly acclaimed book written with Elaine Mazlish, provides invaluable insights into resolving conflicts between siblings, fostering empathy, and nurturing strong sibling bonds.

Another of Faber’s impactful works is “How to Be the Parent You Always Wanted to Be,” which delves into the challenges and joys of parenting. This book empowers parents to establish healthy boundaries, encourage independence, and build trust with their children.

Adele Faber’s writing style is characterized by its warmth, empathy, and simplicity, making her work accessible and relatable to readers from all walks of life. Through her books, she champions the power of respectful and empathetic communication as a means of deepening relationships and creating harmonious family dynamics.

Today, Adele Faber’s contributions continue to shape the field of parenting and communication. Her timeless wisdom and practical advice have earned her a well-deserved reputation as an authority on effective parenting and interpersonal relationships.

Here you can get more information about her by clicking Adele Faber’s Wikipedia.

20 Thought-Provoking Questions with Adele Faber

1.Can you provide ten How to Talk So Kids Will Listen quotes which can represent this book’s topic?

1.I was a wonderful parent before I had children.

2. When we give children advice or instant solutions, we deprive them of the experience that comes from wrestling with their own problems.

3. The attitude behind your words is as important as the words themselves.

4. Children don’t need to have their feelings agreed with; they need to have them acknowledged.

5. The more you try to push a child’s unhappy feelings away, the more he becomes stuck in them. The more comfortable you can accept the bad feelings, the easier it is for kids to leg go of them.

6. It’s also not helpful when parents respond with more intensity than the child feels.

7. When we acknowledge a child’s feelings, we do him a great service. We put him in touch with his inner reality. And once he’s clear about that reality, he gathers the strength to begin to cope.

8. The time for empathy is when a child wants you to know how he feels.

9. Living with real children can be humbling.

10. One father said that what helped him become more sensitive to his son’s emotional needs was when he began to equate the boy’s bruised, unhappy feelings with physical bruises.

2. Can you briefly summarize the main principles or philosophy behind your book?

Respect and empathy: Recognizing children’s feelings and treating them with respect is crucial for effective communication. By acknowledging their emotions, we create an environment where they feel heard and understood.

Active listening: Listening attentively without interrupting or judging allows us to truly understand our children’s perspective. It involves giving them our undivided attention and responding thoughtfully to their concerns.

Validating emotions: Instead of dismissing or belittling children’s emotions, we should acknowledge their feelings as valid and help them express themselves appropriately. This helps build trust and encourages open communication.

3. How is “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” different from other parenting books in the market?

Focus on communication: Unlike many other parenting books that primarily focus on discipline techniques or behavioral strategies, our book emphasizes effective communication between parents and children. We believe that by improving the way we communicate with kids, we can better understand their emotions and needs while fostering a stronger parent-child bond.

Practical advice: Our book provides practical and actionable advice that parents can implement immediately. It includes numerous real-life examples, dialogues, and step-by-step techniques that parents can easily apply to everyday situations. The focus is on empowering parents with useful tools rather than overwhelming them with theoretical concepts.

Respect for children’s feelings: “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” respects and acknowledges children’s emotions. We encourage parents to listen empathetically, validate their children’s feelings, and involve them in problem-solving discussions. By doing so, parents can foster emotional intelligence, self-esteem, and mutual respect within the family.

4. Can you provide some practical examples of how parents can apply your techniques in their everyday interactions with children?

Active Listening: When your child comes to you upset or frustrated, give them your undivided attention and actively listen to what they’re saying. Reflect their feelings by paraphrasing their emotions, such as saying, “It sounds like you’re feeling angry because your friend took your toy.” This helps your child feel understood and validated.

Offering Choices: Instead of always giving direct orders, try offering choices within acceptable limits. For example, instead of saying, “Put on your shoes,” you could say, “Do you want to wear your blue shoes or your red ones today?” This allows your child to feel a sense of autonomy and control over their decisions while still completing the task.

Problem-Solving Together: Encourage your child to find solutions to their own problems. If they are struggling with something, ask open-ended questions like, “What do you think we could do to solve this issue?” Guide them through brainstorming possible solutions and help them evaluate the pros and cons of each option. This promotes critical thinking skills and empowers them to handle challenges independently.

5. Are there specific age groups for which your strategies are most effective?

While the strategies I have developed are applicable to individuals of all age groups, they are particularly effective in fostering positive communication and relationships with children. The techniques and principles discussed in my work, such as active listening, empathy, and respectful communication, can be implemented from a very young age.

For younger children, these strategies can be especially impactful as they are still developing their language skills and emotional intelligence. By employing these techniques early on, parents and caregivers can lay a solid foundation for effective communication and relationship building with their children.

However, it’s important to note that these strategies are not limited to children alone. They can also greatly benefit individuals in various stages of life, including teenagers, adults, and even within professional settings. The principles of respect, empathy, and active listening are universal and can enhance connections and understanding across different age groups.

Ultimately, while the strategies may vary slightly in their application depending on the age group, the core principles remain consistent throughout. The goal is to foster open and respectful communication, no matter the stage of life or the individuals involved.

6. How do your communication techniques help foster a positive parent-child relationship?

My communication techniques are designed to promote a positive parent-child relationship by creating an atmosphere of trust, respect, and understanding. Here are a few ways in which these techniques can contribute to fostering a positive relationship:

Active listening: One of the fundamental aspects of effective communication is active listening. By truly hearing and understanding our children’s thoughts and feelings without judgment or interruption, we create a safe space for them to express themselves openly. This helps build trust and strengthens the parent-child bond.

Empathy and validation: Recognizing and acknowledging our children’s emotions validates their experiences. When we show empathy towards their feelings, they feel heard and understood. This validation reassures them that their emotions matter, leading to increased self-esteem and a stronger connection between parent and child.

Problem-solving together: Instead of imposing our own solutions or directives, using collaborative problem-solving techniques allows children to actively participate in finding resolutions. By involving them in decision-making processes and valuing their perspectives, we empower them and promote their independence while still providing guidance and support.

7. Could you share any success stories or anecdotes from parents who have implemented your advice?

Building stronger connections: One parent implemented my advice on active listening and empathy when communicating with their teenage daughter. By genuinely listening and understanding her perspective without judgment, they noticed a significant improvement in their relationship. Their daughter felt heard and valued, leading to better communication and a deeper bond between them.

Problem-solving skills: Another parent applied my techniques for problem-solving with their two young children. Instead of imposing solutions, they encouraged their kids to brainstorm and come up with their own ideas to resolve conflicts. This approach fostered their children’s sense of autonomy and critical thinking, resulting in more effective problem-solving skills and reduced dependence on parental intervention.

Positive discipline: A family struggling with discipline issues followed my principles of positive discipline. They replaced punitive measures with clear communication and logical consequences. By using non-punitive methods such as natural consequences and time-ins (time spent together to help the child calm down), they found that their children became more cooperative, responsible, and self-disciplined over time.

8. In what ways can parents adapt your methods to suit their individual parenting styles?

Understanding core principles: Parents can grasp the fundamental principles behind my methods, such as developing a positive parent-child relationship, promoting effective communication, and fostering cooperation. Once they understand these principles, they can integrate them into their own parenting style.

Flexibility in application: While the underlying principles remain consistent, parents can adapt the specific techniques and strategies to align with their unique parenting approach. This flexibility allows them to maintain their preferred style while incorporating effective communication tools from my methods.

Personalizing language: Parents can tailor the language used in my methods to match their communication style. By using their own words and expressions, they can ensure that their messages come across authentically and resonate with their children.

9. What do you think is the biggest challenge parents face when trying to implement your strategies?

I believe that one of the biggest challenges parents face when trying to implement my strategies is consistency and persistence. It can be difficult for parents to consistently apply the communication techniques and problem-solving approaches in various situations, especially when faced with challenging behaviors or stressful circumstances. It takes time and effort to change old habits and adopt new ways of interacting with children.

Additionally, parents may encounter resistance or pushback from their children initially, as they adjust to a new style of communication. Children might be accustomed to different patterns of interaction or may resist change when boundaries are set. Therefore, parents need to remain patient and persistent in order to see long-term results.

Moreover, external factors such as busy schedules, work commitments, and societal pressures can also make it challenging for parents to consistently practice effective communication strategies. Finding the time and energy to prioritize these strategies amidst the demands of daily life can be a struggle.

To overcome these challenges, I suggest parents attend workshops or read books that delve deeper into my strategies to gain a better understanding and reinforce their commitment. Seeking support from other parents who are also implementing these strategies can be beneficial as well. Ultimately, by persevering and making a conscious effort to consistently apply these techniques, parents can gradually overcome these challenges and create a more positive and harmonious environment for their children.

10. How do your recommendations address the issue of discipline and setting limits with children?

Connection through communication: I emphasize the importance of open and honest dialogue with children. By actively listening and expressing empathy, we can understand their needs and motivations, which lays the foundation for cooperation and problem-solving.

Respectful discipline: My recommendations prioritize respectful discipline techniques that guide children’s behavior without resorting to physical or verbal aggression. This includes setting clear expectations, providing choices within appropriate boundaries, and using logical consequences that encourage learning and responsibility.

Positive reinforcement: Recognizing and praising desired behaviors can be a powerful tool in shaping children’s behavior. Offering specific and genuine praise helps reinforce positive actions, encourages self-esteem, and motivates children to continue making good choices.

Problem-solving skills: Teaching children problem-solving skills empowers them to resolve conflicts and make reasonable decisions independently. By involving them in finding solutions, we foster their autonomy and help them develop critical thinking skills.

11. Are there any cultural or contextual factors that may impact the effectiveness of your techniques?

Certainly, there are cultural and contextual factors that may impact the effectiveness of communication techniques. Communication styles, norms, and expectations can vary greatly across different cultures and contexts. In order to effectively implement my techniques in diverse cultural settings, it is important to consider and adapt to these factors accordingly.

Cultural differences may influence how individuals perceive and respond to various communication strategies. For instance, some cultures prioritize directness and assertiveness, while others value indirectness and harmony. It is essential to be culturally sensitive and respect these differences when applying communication techniques.

Contextual factors also play a significant role. The dynamics within families, schools, workplaces, and other social environments can vary widely. Factors such as power dynamics, hierarchies, and social norms may impact the effectiveness of communication techniques. Understanding the unique context in which the techniques are applied will help tailor the approach to better suit the specific situation.

Furthermore, language barriers can affect how communication techniques are understood and utilized. Translating concepts and strategies accurately can pose challenges, and cultural nuances may not always carry over seamlessly. Extensive efforts should be made to ensure clear comprehension and effective implementation of the techniques across different languages.

12. How do you suggest handling situations where a child refuses to engage in conversation or cooperate?

Stay calm: It’s important to stay calm and composed when faced with such situations. Getting frustrated or angry may escalate the situation and make it harder to find a resolution.

Provide empathy: Seek to understand your child’s perspective and acknowledge their feelings. Empathizing with them can create a safer space for communication and cooperation. You can say something like, “I see that you’re feeling upset/frustrated. Can you tell me what’s bothering you?”

Offer choices: Give your child some control over the situation by offering choices. For example, you can say, “Would you like to talk now or later?” or “Do you want to complete this task alone or with my help?”

Use positive reinforcement: Encourage and praise your child when they do engage or cooperate. This positive reinforcement can motivate them to continue participating in conversations or tasks. Let them know you appreciate their efforts and cooperation.

Be a good listener: Show genuine interest in what your child has to say. Make eye contact, nod, and validate their thoughts and emotions. This will encourage them to open up and feel heard.

Find alternative ways to communicate: If your child is reluctant to engage in verbal conversation, consider alternative methods of communication. They might be more comfortable expressing themselves through art, writing, or using gestures. Encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings in a way that feels natural to them.

13. Can you discuss the role of active listening in your approach and how it benefits parent-child communication?

Active listening plays a crucial role in my approach to parent-child communication. It involves fully focusing on and understanding what the child is trying to communicate, both verbally and non-verbally. By actively listening, parents show empathy, respect, and genuine interest in their child’s thoughts and feelings.

Active listening benefits parent-child communication in several ways:

Building trust: When children feel heard and understood, they develop a trusting relationship with their parents. This trust forms the foundation for open and honest communication.

Strengthening emotional connection: Active listening allows parents to connect emotionally with their child. By validating their emotions and experiences, parents convey that they are there to support and empathize with their child.

Enhancing problem-solving abilities: Through active listening, parents gain deeper insights into their child’s perspective and concerns. This understanding enables them to address problems more effectively and collaboratively.

14. How does your book encourage empathy and understanding between parents and children?

Active Listening: The book emphasizes the importance of actively listening to children without judgment or interruption. It teaches parents to put themselves in their child’s shoes, acknowledging their feelings and showing empathy, which helps build trust and understanding.

Validating Emotions: By teaching parents to acknowledge and accept their child’s emotions, the book enables them to provide a safe and supportive environment for expressing feelings. This validation fosters empathy as children feel understood and respected, leading to improved parent-child connections.

Respectful Communication: The book promotes respectful and non-confrontational dialogue between parents and children. It highlights the significance of using language that conveys empathy, understanding, and openness. This approach helps parents connect with their children on a deeper level, encouraging them to express themselves more freely.

Problem-Solving Together: The book offers strategies for involving children in decision-making processes, enabling them to be part of finding solutions to problems. This collaborative approach strengthens empathy by demonstrating that parents value their child’s perspective and ideas, fostering mutual understanding and respect.

15. Are there any specific techniques you recommend for dealing with sibling rivalry or conflicts between children?

Encourage individuality: Recognize and appreciate each child’s unique qualities and strengths. By fostering their individuality, you can reduce feelings of competition and jealousy.

Promote open communication: Guide your children in expressing their feelings and needs effectively. Teach them active listening skills, so they can understand one another’s perspectives and develop empathy.

Establish family rules: Create clear and fair guidelines that promote respect and cooperation. Involve your children in the process, allowing them to contribute to setting boundaries and resolving conflicts.

Provide consistent attention and quality time: Ensure each child feels valued and receives individual attention from parents. Spending quality time together as a family helps build stronger bonds and reduce rivalry.

Encourage problem-solving: Teach children conflict resolution skills, such as negotiation and compromise. Help them find win-win solutions that satisfy everyone’s needs.

Avoid comparisons: Refrain from comparing your children or favoring one over the other. This can fuel rivalry and negatively impact their self-esteem.

Foster teamwork and collaboration: Encourage activities where siblings can work together towards a common goal. This promotes cooperation, builds trust, and strengthens their relationship.

16. What advice do you have for parents who struggle with managing their own emotions during difficult conversations with their children?

Practice self-awareness: Start by recognizing and acknowledging your own emotions before engaging in a conversation with your child. Understand that it’s okay to feel frustrated, anxious, or overwhelmed, but be mindful of how these emotions may impact the interaction.

Take a step back: If you find yourself becoming too emotional, it’s essential to take a break and remove yourself from the situation temporarily. This allows you to calm down and gather your thoughts before continuing the conversation.

Practice empathy: Put yourself in your child’s shoes and try to understand their perspective. This can help you approach the conversation with more compassion and patience, reducing the intensity of your emotions.

Reflect on your triggers: Examine the situations or behaviors that tend to trigger strong emotions in you. By identifying these triggers, you can better prepare yourself and develop strategies to manage them effectively.

17. How do your strategies address the balance between allowing children to express themselves and maintaining parental authority?

Finding the right balance between allowing children to express themselves and maintaining parental authority is crucial for healthy parent-child relationships. My strategies aim to create an environment where both aspects are respected and addressed. Here’s how I address this balance:

Active listening: By actively listening to our children, we show them that their thoughts and feelings are valuable. This allows them to express themselves freely and helps build trust and understanding between parents and children.

Empathy and validation: Validating our children’s emotions and experiences doesn’t mean we have to agree with everything they say or do. It means acknowledging their feelings without judgment, helping them feel understood while maintaining authority when necessary.

Providing choices: Allowing children to make age-appropriate choices gives them a sense of control and autonomy. Within certain boundaries set by parents, this approach supports their self-expression while still ensuring their safety and well-being.

18. Have you received any criticism or challenges to your approach? If so, how do you respond to those concerns?

It is natural for different perspectives to arise when discussing parenting and communication styles. When faced with concerns about my approach, I respond in the following manner:

Acknowledge the concerns: I value the opinions and concerns of others. By acknowledging their viewpoints, I create a space for open dialogue and respect for differing opinions.

Seek understanding: I make an effort to understand the specific concerns raised by asking relevant questions. This allows me to gain better insight into the root of their disagreement and address it more effectively.

Present evidence and experiences: I share research-based evidence and real-life examples that support the effectiveness of my approach. This helps to demonstrate the positive impact it can have on parent-child relationships and children’s overall well-being.

Clarify misconceptions: I clarify any misconceptions or misunderstandings about my approach, ensuring that critics fully grasp the principles and techniques involved. This can help alleviate concerns that stem from misunderstanding or misinterpretation.

19. How can parents continue applying the principles from your book as their children grow older and their needs change?

I emphasize the importance of open communication and building strong relationships with children. As children grow older, their needs and challenges evolve, but the underlying principles remain relevant. Here are a few ways parents can continue applying these principles as their children grow:

Active listening: As children reach adolescence, they may face more complex emotions and issues. It is crucial for parents to actively listen to their concerns without judgment or interruption. Encourage them to express themselves fully and validate their feelings.

Respect their ideas and independence: Older children often desire more autonomy and independence. It is important for parents to respect their opinions, involve them in decision-making processes, and allow them to take ownership of their choices whenever appropriate. This fosters a sense of empowerment and encourages responsible decision-making.

Problem-solving together: As children face new challenges, parents can collaborate with them to find solutions. Encourage open discussions about problems, brainstorm potential strategies, and guide them in evaluating different options. This approach promotes critical thinking and helps children develop problem-solving skills.

Adjusting discipline techniques: Discipline methods need to adapt as children grow older. Instead of relying solely on punishments or rewards, encourage conversations that explore the consequences of actions. Help children understand the impact of their choices and encourage them to reflect upon their behavior.

20. Can you share more books like How to Talk So Kids Will Listen?

“Thirty Million Words” by Dana Suskind, this thought-provoking work delves into the profound impact of early language exposure on a child’s development, emphasizing the critical role parents play in shaping their children’s future.

“How Children Fail” by John Holt, this seminal work challenges conventional educational practices and offers a critical analysis of the way children are taught in schools. Holt draws on his experiences as a teacher to shed light on the inherent flaws within the education system, ultimately arguing that it fails to cultivate a genuine love for learning and inhibits children’s natural curiosity and creativity.

“Boundaries With Kids” by Henry Cloud, this book aims at helping parents establish healthy boundaries with their children. Drawing upon their extensive experience in psychology and counseling, the authors provide insightful guidance and practical strategies to empower parents in raising responsible, respectful, and independent children.